Long Time No Blog: I'm Not Dead...

I know, I know that I really should be ashamed of myself. This blog went from being about my gardening, to every now and then, then to a full blown passion of mine. I updated almost every day and I really found pleasure in it. 

My mom came to stay with me for a while and I loved it. We did a lot and crafted together and I posted those events. Well she left and I got depressed and such and then I became the manager of the bakery which I was so excited to post that I did my internship three years ago. I don't know why I was so quick to drop something that I found such pleasure. I can not promise that I will post every single day or even every month, but I would like to pick of the ruins of a blog that I left and post more regularly. 

More about me: I would never ever ever post photos of myself on this blog because I was ashamed. Even the photos of myself when showing my hands would cause me to panic and think that these people will find out. I know it was obvious that I was "plump" but I tried to hide the fact that I was 20 lbs away from being 400 lbs. I never realized or felt like I was that big and how it happened. I know that it did not happen overnight, but somehow it happened. When I would see pictures of myself I was just horrified! Moment of my life that I should have been proud to show the world I would hide such as:

My College Graduation in 2009:

Or the day I met my idol Martha Stewart:

I truly was repulsed to see pictures of myself. My partner Brian has very good insurance and we decided to set the wheels in motion to get gastric bypass surgery. There are certain criteria which one needs to meet before getting this surgery such as going to a support group meeting, going to a bypass 101 meeting, getting a psychological evaluation, we did all of that. The last step was to go on a medically supervised diet for 6 months. My doctor was not too keen on the idea of getting the surgery, but he understood that being 400 lbs was not a way to live. He suggested a few diets such as South Beach, Atkins and Weight Watchers. I chose Weight Watchers and little did I know that it would be what worked. 

Before trying Weight Watchers I had come to accept the fact that my weight was going to be what killed me, and I was okay with that. I remember getting my uniforms for work and it was nothing for me to say I needed a 5x shirt and size 56 pants and sister those pants and shirt were snug!

Weight Watchers taught me how to eat again and not just shovel food down my throat. It taught me that a salad can be healthy, but when cheese, croutons, eggs, potato salad, pasta salad all piled on top of that salad and drenched it delicious, delicious bleu cheese the Points add up so fast. Very FAST. I never realized that I consumed so many "Points" before I never thought twice about what I ate I just thought, Hey it tasted good and it was a wee bit indulgent. Well I can say that that wee bit of indulgence got me to nearly 400 lbs. 

I became obsessed with counting Points and it worked for me. I dropped pound after pound I remember losing 5 lbs then 10 lbs then 20 lbs then 50 lbs then 60 lbs then 80 lbs then 100 lbs then 120 lbs and 130 lbs. I feel great. I feel so much better. I didn't know how much weight that I was carrying. I didn't realize how hard every day tasks were such as getting out of bed or tying my shoes or getting out of a car.

I have to admit that a majority of days I feel like I still weight 400 lbs. When I look in the mirror I still see my face with fat cheeks and chins. 

In December of 2010 I posted about the first wedding cake I made and I posted pics, but I was too ashamed of the pic of me next to the cake and you can tell on my face I was not happy about being in the pic. I should have been proud to pose next to this beautiful cake, but I was not. Here is the pic. 

I started to post my weight loss to my facebook page and the encouragement and amazement I received was great. People were so proud of me. Looking back on all of the time that I spent ashamed of myself makes me sad, but it makes me proud of the work and time I put into MYSELF and doing something for MYSELF and my health. In case you are wondering about me today here are a few pics. 

 

Everyday I try and be proud of who I am and it is a struggle. It is a struggle to stay on Weight Watchers for me, but all I can do is try.